Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Greg "Opie" Hughes, left, and Anthony Cumia after leaving their new CBS morning show today, to take a one-block walk to do two more hours on XM satellite radio.
A couple of minutes after 6 a.m., and on WYSP (94.1 FM) there's a voice of some rep for the "Catholic League," saying everybody deserves a second chance, and "I just wish you well." Then the opening montage, featuring quotes from the hosts, Opie and Anthony: "We're the rapid radio retards ... We're the only radio show that makes you want to hate. ... I love the hitting and the fighting. ... I love women. I'm a slovenly fat pig. ... Put on your laughing hats."
A voice, maybe a movie clip, intones: "But enough of this palaver. Let's get the show on the road."
There follows a period of heavy breathing ...
"What is that? Audio from four years ago?" says Opie.
"We call it the Virus. The O&E Virus spreading across America," says Anthony.
Next, the obligatory list the "terrestrial" stations now carrying them, starting today: Boston, Philly, Cleveland, West Palm Beach, Dallas, a few others.
"The Virus continues to spread right across America."
O says happy birthday to A, who starts to bewail being ill.
A: "My voice is shot. I slept for three hours. I've been sick all night. Hey, welcome back. Can you believe I'm sick?"
O says some guy offers to rub A's back, and A says, "He does that when I'm well." Complains about "not being able to breathe." Moans: "I'll let you in on a little inside information about radio: Talking's pretty important."
O says radio legend Don Imus is calling in about 10 minutes.
A says he'd do his Imus impression if he weren't sick: "I can't even do impressions. I can do an impression of somebody with AIDS. Get me a tattered robe and some broth."
A says O is "the bastard of everybody on this crew. He rules with an iron first. ... They remember you as a real ass."
A says he feels like he "coughed up a pin cushion."
O: "People gotta bear with us. We're testing out a new studio. Gonna be some bugs"
A: "I sent somebody out for some honey and water. What a faggot I am."
O says Kenny, one of the guys he rode to the studio with, puked in the car, making it smell like rotting eggs. Limos and a welcoming crew.
In comes the honey and lemon. An actual lemon.
O: "Hey, stupid, do you just have to just drop off a bag off fruit for the star?"
Note: This isn't running dialogue ... can't get every sentence down.
A: "I am all man. And now I just sound like a whining, crying little infant."
First caller. Jim in Connecticut wishes Anthony a happy birthday and Anthony hangs up on him. Then he blames his illness on shaking hands with people in Boston. "What a germy, germy city."
Brian in Virginia Beach welcomes them back, then like corporate shill explains all about how it's "Whipping Out Wednesday." You get stickers from the website, or make them up, saying WOW. The hope: that upon seeing the sticker, "some lovely lady might whip em out and show off to ya."
First commercial break includes an ad for Monarch Med Spa, which wants to remove your unwanted hair, from back hair to "hair down there."
Then it's Imus on the phone.
There's annoying feedback zinging in the background.
But nevertheless, he delivers the best line so far: "You'd be throwing up and you'd still be better than what they had!" (David Lee Roth, apparently.)
Imus wants to "let the listeners in on a secret," that CBS actually wants O&A to do whatever they please : "You can take a goat to a mosque. There's nothing you can't do."
O&A explain how they told CBS thinks like "We've grown and we've learned," but CBS kept saying things like, "We still need you guys edgy."
After Imus, they share reports of the "strange technical problems."
O: "We're in a new studio. We gotta figure it all out."
They rip Howard Stern, something about how he can't take a joke.
Relayed feedback from listeners: Opie sounded "like a Cylon from Battlestar Gallactica."
It's Tom in Philly: "Howard Stern! All riiiiiight!" And he hangs up.
Next caller says Anthony sounds like Bea Arthur.
Opie says WYSP is more excited to have them back than any other station. So some 'YSP folks are sending a continent north to salute them.
A, sarcastically: "Wonder what they're going to bring."
O: "What's wrong with a Philly cheesesteak?"
A: "It's so cliche."
And they do riffs on other city's cliches.
O reminisces about "stupid Philly," some stunt with a dead monkey ... in a baby carriage? ... and the time the Philly Phanatic came in.
O: "He smelled."
A: "It's radio and he doesn't talk!" So they started kicking and punching him. "One in the gut and you hear the Philly Phanatic go, "Ooof, knock it off!"
Gotta get back to writing up some news for philly.com. Any radio spies out there give us some followup reports? Or at least some reactions. Post 'em here.