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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Hoffa Truth Better Than None 

Are we finally making progress on the infamous-missing-persons front? Can't nab bin Ladin. Can't arrest an anthrax mailer/killer suspect. But at least we've finally found out what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, the Teamsters boss who vanished outside Detroit in 1975. Or have we? Story is a Jersey hitman, who's now dead but has a book coming out, drove to Michigan, knifed Hoffa in the head, and carted the corpse back to the Perth Hoboken exit or thereabouts. But do not believe this tale, ex-FBI guy Robert Garrity told the Detroit Free Press: "That's the most embarrassing one to date."

But hold on. We see reasons to believe.
1. The FBI guy says he never heard of any hitman named Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski. As a criminal, maybe he was trying not to be heard of! Ever think of that?
2. "The Iceman" is just OK as a nickname. If he was making that up, he could have done better. Like "Icedude." Or "Head Stabber Guy From Trenton."
3. Another foresenicology major told the Bergen Record: Makes no sense. Why drive the body back to Jersey when Michigan has one of the world's biggest lakes? Hey, he's from Jersey! He didn't know that!
4. People trying to sell books aren't usually so boring, unless they're professors or Hollywood starsluts, I mean, harlots, I mean, starlets. Head stabbing? Booooring. Long drive to Jersey? Yeah, that'll sell movie rights. Stuff body in barrel, bury it, dig it up, put in trunk of car, sell car for scrap metal? Sounds so lame, and so Jersey, it's gotta be true!
5. "He's part of a car somewhere in Japan right now," a line from the book, is exactly the kind of thing hitmen say to each other at parties.
6. Having a book come out after you're dead is not a smart plan.
7. Where is the The Sopranos set?
8. Book says the Iceman got ideas from Roadrunner cartoons. Yes, at first this sounds all wrong. Wile E. Coyote used anvils, boulders, bombs and rockets, not blackjacks and skull stabbers. But then I realized: Iceman meant he got ideas for what NOT to do! Wile's work is classic in that regard.
9. A state trooper finds the guy's story credible.
10. Even I'm not sure how much I'm kidding.

By the way, why do people keep saying no one ever found D.B. Cooper? In 1971, guy hijacked a plane, got $200,000, and parachuted into an Oregon an forest. He becomes a legend, because authorities never found him, dead or alive. But his wife did, a bunch of years ago.


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