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Tuesday, June 06, 2006
A Plea for Full-Contact Finish-Line Team Golf
Bob Barker and Adam Sandler demonstrate
a popular Full-Contact Golf move in "Happy Gilmore."
Yo, guys, it's time. When a 16-year-old like Michelle Wie can compete in a major men's sport, well, it's time to fix that sport! I mean, we can't have girls climbing on our leader boards and stealing our endorsements, can we? There's only one solution: Full-Contact, Finish-Line Team Golf. Each team has 2 players: a shooter and disrupter/caddie. Two teams per hole at a time. Ready, set, bang! The gun goes off, crowds scream as teams simultaneously run onto area where they tee off. Or try to. You see, in FCFLTG (Tough-Guy Golf, for short), the caddie (cad, for short) adds the much-needed element: defense. He can stand in the way. He can steal tees. He can kick the other shooter's balls. (Wearing protection is recommended. That's why cads are advised to thwart face divots by carrying tennis rackets. See note below.) Anyhow, forget dirt-inserting a tee, unless your cad can totally wrestle mine to the ground. Faster way to start: Toss ball up and whack in midair. Almost anything goes, except for using "clubs" as weapons. A few of the fine points:
Winner is first team to get their ball in the hole and their clubs past the green. Yes, strokes don't count at all. Winner is team first across finish line after getting ball in the hole. This suggests all sorts of strategies, such as tieing other team to a tree.
Hands and feet can contact the ball. Yes, if you like, pick that ball up and run with it. Tie it to a rock or club and throw it. Loft a shot to your waiting teammate, who catches it and slams into the hole. Whoa, yeah!
If the ball goes in the lake, you gotta go get it. Floating balls are recommended. So are swimming lessons. No lifeguards are provided. Boats are optional, according to whims of course architect.
Jalai clubs, tennis rackets, croquet mallets, baseball bats, pool cues and bazookas are permitted, as long as they fit in standard golf bag.
Apparel may include body armor, knickers and funny hats.
No injury timeouts.
If a player dies, teammate must drag corpse across finish line to win the hole.
Holes per typical round: Best of 3, even if it takes all night.
Tournaments begin with 16 teams, eliminating losers each day, until final 2 square off on last day. (With actual action, this form of golf does not need to fill a course with players to provide enough TV material.)
Yes, with Full-Contact Finish-Line Team Golf, men won't have to worry about the likes of Michelle Wie wanting to compete any more. Or Phil Mickelson being able to.